Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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