You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
