he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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