the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
