3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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