The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
