I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
