god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
