I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How drunk are you?
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