New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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