is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
