I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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