Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This couple is walking their pig around campus
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
