hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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