My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
