We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
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You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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