I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
