Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
