you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
