May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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