moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
