Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
