I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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