I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
