It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
