I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
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Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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