every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
