sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.