why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."