I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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