shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
