Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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