the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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