omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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