i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
