she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
