I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
