there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
