John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
