Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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