im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
