so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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