Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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