i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
