dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
