TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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