Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
