I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
