So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
