they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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