Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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