No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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