wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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