Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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