i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
