I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
