My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
