he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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