Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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