So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
