So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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