Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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