He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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