Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
