I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
